Relationships with negative motivators
Often your situation becomes your motivation. "I must do better", "I won't make the same mistakes". Two phrases I've uttered, and heard from others in similar situations.
You come to understand that your situation is grim, and turn it into the driving force which makes you want to do better. You start painting your situation with a negative brush. The worse you make out the situation to be, the more it can propel you to greater things.
It can mean escaping poverty. Escaping monetary concerns. Escaping the people who shaped your early years. Building a new life, free from the judgement and preconception of those things, giving you an empty canvas in which to paint as you see fit.
Returning to those roots is now troublesome. The environment tarnished from the negative energy. I couldn't spend very long in my home town. It feels so far removed from what I believe is a good place. Not a single bit—save the comparative peacefulness of a rural area in comparison to the metropolis of London—worthwhile and up to scratch. Hometown drama pales in comparison to the world changing happenings of the big cities.
Getting older, and returning for the longest period for quite some time. The situation is worse. The roots have gone rotten, for they are more prominent than ever before. And now the once lofty goals are in tatters. Despite being achieved, they're tied to the premise of leaving behind what was bad And by returning, they lose their validity. What was, still is.
The empty canvas, a coat of paint on top of another picture.
I'm choosing to uncover the picture underneath. To inspect it closer. To see the detail which I missed before. To understand the nuance, and give it new meaning.
I will rebuild my relationship with my roots. Nurture them into something that can flourish. Forgive the people, the place and look to see its beauty.
I don't suspect I will stay. But when I return in future, I won't wish to leave so soon either.